A Sunny Saturday

(The photo above is of my girlfriends and I in Corey's garden plot by PSU, taken last weekend when we went downtown for the first farmer's market of the season)

What an interesting day. It's been a particularly long one, mainly because I haven't slept yet. What did I do instead? Well, I ate a vegan pizza with Corey after midnight. I wrote a review of Amy Hempel's Collected Stories for this blog, which I'm now refusing to post out of principle because I'm so disgusted with my exceedingly poor time management skills--imagine the shock I felt when I looked at the clock, saw that it was 4:30 AM, and realized that I'd just spent four hours on something that is DEFINITELY not my top priority right now. So to compensate I worked on revising a story I wrote about Tijuana in my non-fiction class last semester. I got overexcited by the whole idea of "yeah, after I graduate I'll totally have time to work on that novel" and got carried away with ridiculous plot and chapter outlines. Finally sometime around 8AM I started working on my thesis. Around noonish or one I took a break and helped Corey in the garden. We dug up a whole plot together yesterday, and today we did some planting. We planted sweet corn, beans (pulled randomly out of the commie cabinent, including lentils and chickpeas--I wonder if they'll grow? I don't really know what a lentil-plant looks like!) and lettuce. Corey then mowed the lawn with the man-powered lawnmower (don't ask me how he did it). We also dragged the garbage bin that's been sitting behind the house all year filled with dirt (don't ask me why or where it came from) and dumped it over the compost heap. I have never seen so many worms in my LIFE as there were in that compost heap-it was like a writhing, massive alien civilization. It's good to know our egg shells and orange peels will slowly but surely be eaten and pooped out by the worms and eventually turned into good soil (at least I think that's how it works).

Then Corey left to go on a hike with Ernie, who's his mushroom guru of sorts, a hilarious white-haired sweet old hippie man. While they hunted the oyster mushrooms and the elusive white mirelles, I sat on the couch for literally four straight hours, alternatively reading, typing up notes, staring blankly into space and surfing the Internet. I only moved when my battery was about to die. I called my mom and had a really good conversation with her about the future. I don't know if I would want to go so far as describing myself as "wanting" or "needing" my parents' "approval" when I discuss my convuluted future plans for my life with them... but yeah, I mean I definitely want them to feel proud of me (who wouldn't want that with their parents?).


What I ate today: 3-5 slices of vegan pizza, 2-3 Caribou Coffee granola bars, three sticks of celery, an orange I think, five extremely greasy and tremendously delicious eggrolls (a gift from Ernie's wife!), and many, many cups of espresso, complete with lots of lactose-free milk and rich brown sugar. There was probably more but I can't remember. I hate it when the kitchen is as dirty as it is now, as it makes me not want to cook and prepare porper meals for myself. I find it just too damn disgusting to deal with, so instead I just end up wandering in and out and scrounging for myself at random times throughout the day. Very unhealthy. If I were an anthropology major, I would want to write my thesis on the social impact of dishwashing in our private spheres... just think of all the couples that have broken up, or housemates that have moved out, because of a less than ideal dishwashing situation.

I feel like I've made some good progress this past week. I start teaching English classes for Mount Hood Community College spring term this Monday. It's only once a week for an hour and a half, so I really don't think it'll be too much of a strain (I hope!). There are nine students in my class, seven from Mexico, two from Vietnam, all refugees and immigrants. I'm ridiculously excited about getting to design lesson plans, and also mildly annoyed with myself for not remembering earlier in the schoolyear that teaching English is something that I've really enjoyed doing in the past. It's worth doing now despite all the pressure and nightmares caused by thesis, because I want preparation for taking a TEFL certificate course later in the year. I finally found a program that really appeals to me, in terms of location, affordability, quality and name recognition (SIT is actually one of the places I'm seriously considering as a potential grad school program, but that's still getting waaay ahead of myself. Like, to the point where I'm assuming that I actually KNOW what I want to do with my life!). Now, if only they'll reply to my e-mail requesting the application materials.

Really, everything feels like it's falling into place (not exactly with thesis, though. BOO ON ME!! HISS!! but that will come in time!). I'm so ridiculously excited for Ecuador this summer, I can't seem to stop thinking about it these days. Our departure date is officially set for June 23rd. Because the sun's been coming out and it's been 75-degrees these past two days, I think my body is sensing that summer is in the air and thus my itchy feet syndrome is starting to kick in. Part of me is sort of happy with the idea of having a whole month off between the time when I graduate in May (!!) and Corey graduating in June: I can sleep in, enjoy the sun, ride my bike, read lots of books (especially about Lago Agrio and mycoremediation), teach at Mt. Hood until the term ends June 15th, maybe get another volunteer teaching position, possibly with VOZ again. Another part of me is kind of like "yeah, I should really try to get a job," though it'll be hard. It's times like these when I wish I had experience babysitting. My current plan is to apply for a weekend position at an amusement park. When I told Corey today he laughed for about a whole minute, then stopped and said very seriously, "You're going to kill all those children." Probably. I really don't want the bloody maimed bodies of eight-year-olds flung from the Screaming Eagle Ride on my conscience. "Maybe you can be a ticket-taker!" Corey suggested enthusiastically. Hopefully.

Hard to believe that "the end" is near, but there are so many exciting things around the corner, it's like my brain can't really grasp the whole feeling-sad-and-weird-about-graduating thing yet (though I'm sure it'll come in time). For now my brain just seems to be whizzing with "what ifs" and "should I" and "we can". Still need to hear back from Kiva. Without the grant money I can't afford it, but I'm just not going to worry about it. If I get the position it'd be awesome to work for them in the fall, but it's just plain not realistic that I'm going to last that long without making some money! God, why is it that the interesting positions (or at least the ones I want) are all unpaid? Well, if they reject me, OK, I'll get a job as a teacher; if they accept me... I'll figure something out.

I also need to decide what I'm going to do about the current state of my Peace Corps application. I might as well just follow through with it, send in the fingerprints and medical stuff (god knows when I'm going to find the time, not until May, probably), and then wait to see where they send me. As I told Mom on the phone today, my post-graduation goal has always consisted of living and working somewhere internationally for at least a year or more. I always assumed it would just be through the Peace Corps, just because it seemed the most convenient. Basically, at this point I feel like the best thing the Peace Corps has to offer me is 1) money, 2) brand name recognition and 3) potential networking opportunites. I've found the whole application process a bit dubious and frustrating, especially the interview. I dunno. I know you're supposed to be open and flexible and blah blah blah... but I guess I find it a bit frustrating that I really have no idea what kind of project they're going to give me (assuming I even get an invitation, that is)-- teaching? Community development? I honestly have no idea. How do I even know when I've even officially been accepted? Should I just assume I'm going to be given an invitation if I made it as far as the interview? Because it would really suck to submit everything, wait 8-10 months and then get a rejection letter. It's all very mysterious. Also, I knew this was a mistake during the interview, but when I expressed South and Central America as my geographical preference, the interviewer spent a long time telling me that I would be much better off in Eastern Europe or Africa or Asia instead. I know you're not supposed to request specific countries or placements, but isn't stating which geographical area you'd prefer is how you answer the question of "geographical preference"? Also, my interviewer was definitely not happy about the whole boyfriend thing. Definitely not happy. At this point I'm just kind of doggedly going through with it: I've made it this far, so I might as well see where they assign me, right? Fortunately, there are many paths in life to take--and in the end, isn't it more about the process rather than the product?

Wow, I just got ridiculously sleepy. More coffee methinks. Promised self would finish this section today... doesn't seem likely at this point... I really like writing out my thoughts here. It probably makes for a highly self-indulgent, uninteresting read, but there's just something really great about getting the thoughts out of your head down on pa--um, screen. I SERIOUSLY just spent half an hour trying to figure out how to convert PDFs into JPEGS. El colmo, en serio.

things that I like, and that I may be able to do with my life

- freelance journalism in Latin America
- creative writing MFA at U of O, University of East Anglia or another university
- getting a TEFL certificate
- teaching literature at a high school or university leavel
- teaching English
- teaching Spanish
- leading groups of teenagers around on service project trips a la Los Embajadores
- coordinationg service project experiences
- illigal immigration and border issuess
- learning more about microfinance and fieldwork a la Kiva
- studying more Onetti in Uruguay or Argentina
- School For International Training Social Justice masters in Vermont
- Peace Corps (blech)
- AmeriCorps
- Teach for America
- New Orleans
- Teaching fellowship in Spain
- apply for a Fullbright
- write a novel!

yeah, what he says

This basically sums up my feelings. Quantity over quality, myth-making, not sticking to its actual mission. Basically the main reason why the Peace Corps appeals to me now is that there's a possibility I'll get placed in an interesting volunteer position that will be paid. Sigh......

I want to go abroad, but I also want to be useful. I've had the whole "getting more than what I give" experience; I actually want to feel like I can contribute in a meaningful, important way (while also obviously remaining realistic about the whole "making a difference" idealism).

My sister told me something helpful yesterday, about how we're not born leaders, but we become leaders through experience. "We learn when and how to put our leader hats on." We get better at it through time.

I'm also wondering should I cough up the dough for a TEFL certificate? Or do I stick with the cheapie website made by hippie backpackers?

a wee bit of a frenzy

Well… I didn’t have time to read any books for pleasure this month. What did I do instead? I “wrote” a “first chapter” for my “thesis” (yes, the apostrophe marks are necessary). I had my oral boards. Today, I have been trying to think about what I want to do post-May 2008. Basically, all the plans I had set up for myself no longer exist. I am not the kind of person who finds this feeling giddy or exhilarating. Rather, it makes me bite my nails down to a state of raw, ravaged crescents.

It can be pretty stressful trying to plan for the future.

Honestly, I know there's no point to writing about or worrying about these kinds of things, since they seem to change so sporadically, and obviously life is impossible to plan for in general, but still--that doesn't seem to stop me. Most of the best decisions of my life have been made impulsively, at the last minute, and sporadically. Nevertheless, that doesn’t prevent me from trying to anxiously plan for—not everything, I suppose, but the next year of life.

I always thought that I was going to apply for Peace Corps after graduating. Not only have I always wanted to do it, having grown up with hearing my parents’ stories about it (the story of how my mum and dad met via a rabid dog in Nepal is one of the many key tales in family lore), but it would also conveniently take care of the iffy question of what exactly I was going to do with the next two years of my life. It would be Done For! Decided! Taken Care Of! However, something came up that I didn’t expect, and which has prevented me from submitting my application: I met someone, and I don’t particularly want to spend two years away from him at this point in our lives. He is going to Ecuador next fall to some research work with fungi, and unless something completely unforeseen and unpredicted comes up, it looks like I am going to go with him.

Which raises the big question for me: what exactly am I going to do with myself, once I’m there? Teach English? Work as a Kiva.org fellow? (If they hire me despite no financial or business experience, and complete computer ignorance, and no money to fund myself) Should I apply to grants in order to fund my trip and do things to make my resume look better--take a computer class, take an econ class at Reed, read the recommended books on microfinance and ending poverty, get an internship—why is my resume blank of internships? Why, oh why? What, oh what did I do with my time as an undergrad, besides fretting about my extremely poisonous relationship with my extremely evil ex-boyfriend? These are the questions I try not to ask myself, if I don’t want to drive myself into an absolute existential frenzy. Chances are, my resume is more than okay, even if I never volunteered with Amnesty International or interned at Mercy Corps.

There was a time when I thought I was going to go to graduate school. That changed pretty much in one day, after the orals for my thesis. Hearing my thesis advisor and my first reader engage in a highly theoretical discussion about the difference between the term “knowledge” vs. “understanding,” I had what is called an epiphany: This is not for me. Existing in a world of such abstract language is not for me. I cannot sit in an office and talk that talk for the rest of my life. I will not enjoy it, it will make me go crazy, and therefore I do not enjoy researching. I enjoy writing, and talking about books. But researching and publishing papers (or even writing papers), I have never really enjoyed.

All of this seems to be pointing to the deeper, more fundamental question. The biggest can of beans, if you will—what exactly is it that I am good at? Well—I’ve done some volunteering abroad. I sure did enjoy my job last summer, working in Tijuana with high schoolers. I enjoy being in an international environment. I enjoyed facilitating an international service-learning social justice-oriented project. I enjoy working with people.

I guess I will meet with the Career Services office about applying for some grants, and about job opportunities period in Ecuador. Search the World Learning site a little more. Maybe get in touch with Reed alumni who lived in Ecuador. Take deep breaths. Things will be okay. I still got time.

first post

I’ve worked three different jobs in the library: shelving magazines, newspapers and journals; checking out and shelving books, and the lowliest of the low, just plain shelving books. I’d always intended to write down the names of the books I come across that seemed interesting to me, but I never did because it soon became clear to me how overwhelming that would be: so many books, all the time, every day. The world is just flooded with books! When was this one checked out? Am I the first person to have touched this book since the seventies, honestly? My dad would like this one about the Californian Indians; I write down the call number on a little slip of paper that I promptly succeed in losing. The only reason why Belle was overwhelmed by the Beast’s library was not the sheer quantity of the books themselves, but by seeing them all in one place. This world is drowning and covered in books! How do we even have room to take a step?

That being said, even though this may sound funny coming from a literature major—I don’t feel like I read enough anymore. I certainly do read; I whipped through 250 pages of Fernando Ortiz’s Contrapunteo Cubano in the five hours or so I had free before class. And god knows I never feel as though I’m staying on top of my thesis reading, or that for any other class. However, I remember the days of coming home from high school and sitting on the couch, tucking my feet underneath a scratchy cushion and reading for pleasure. I also remember having enough free time in my life to seriously considering the goal of reading 182 books in a year, or one every other day, as well as all the books on the 100 Top Novels With Reviews (http://www.dougshaw.com/top100.html). I especially appreciate the rating system of that last website: “I liked it; I did not like it; I thought it was one of the Best Novels of All Time.” What more is there to say, truly?

Quite a bit, really... I had a conversation with my thesis advisor after class today that was definitely one of the most intense, interesting conversations I’ve had with a professor as an undergrad. It was somewhat rambling and ranting in nature (on both sides). He started out by asking me whether I thought the other students were bothered when he tried to introduce very politically slanted interpretations of texts in class. He talked about how when he was in university in Argentina, all anyone was talking about was U.S. imperialism and capitalism and how the university as an institution was to fight against them. He used that word, “fight”, not “deal with,” or “interpret,” or “discuss.” It really got me thinking: are universities more like businesses now, rather than centers of intellectual endeavor and development? Like, breeding centers for people who are really and truly going to get the fuck out there and change the world?… It bothers me that I feel so silly and idealistic for even typing those words—“change the world”!… get a grip, right? In every college catalog that I read, nobody ever bluntly stated “We are a leftist institution” or whatever… but what would be wrong with that? Why does a university such as mine, which is often cited in articles and polls as one of the most “liberal” in the nation, so blatantly shy away from taking a strong political position in its practices and instead blandly dub itself a “neutral” institution?

All this has amounted to more than a teensy-weensy digression, but anyway. I plan on keeping this blog to review books. My sister writes review of fiction published in the last two years or so. I like this idea as well. I don’t have a lot of free time anymore, but I do want to have a place to keep track of what books I read out of class.

I want to read more history… books that explain and discuss economic or political situations… I want to read fiction, too, recent fiction, that makes me think about recent events and why things are the way they are.

I want to have a stronger commitment to emphatic, inquisitive, mutual collaboration and intellectual inquiry in my life that will hopefully lead me in the direction of positive action in my day-to-day life. That doesn’t mean that I’ll actually get there. But at least it’ll be a step in the right direction. Maybe I’m getting more and more idealistic in my old age, but then again (oh, well!), I try. After all, the ideal one uses to orient one’s practices affects the failure that one ends up with.