some ponderings regarding "a portrait"

- "It seemed strange to him at times that wisdom and understanding and knowledge were so distinct in their nature that each should be prayed for apart from the others." (Joyce, James. "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man." Time Inc: New York, 1964. 163) Man, I wish I'd read this sentence in time with my thesis... I was wondering about the distinction myself. Thank you, Joyce, for proposing a similar dilemma.

- "His destiny was to be elusive of social and religious orders. The wisdom of the priest's appeal did not touch him to the quick. He was destined to learn his own wisdom apart from others or to learn the wisdom of others himself wandering among the snares of the world." (Joyce 178) The idea of "his own wisdom"... very interesting concept, that for all of us, there is a personalized wisdom to seek out there (or in here *knocks skull*)

- "Words. Was it their colors? He allowed them to glow and fade, hue after hue... No, it was not their colors: it was the poise and balance of the period itself. Did he then love the rhythmic rise and fall of words better than their associations of legend and color? Or was it that, being as weak of sight as he was shy of mind, he drew less pleasure from the reflection of the glowing sensible world through the prism of a language manycolored and richly storied than from the contemplation of an inner world of individual emotions mirrored perfectly in a lucid supple periodic prose?" (183)

I love this sentence! especially from "he drew" onwards.

- "Now, as never before, his name seemed to him a prophecy... he seemed to hear the noise of dim waves and to see a winged form flying above the waves and slowly climbing the air. What did it mean? ... a prophecy of the end he had been born to serve and had been following through the mists of childhood and boyhood, a symbol of the artist forging anew in his workshop out of the sluggish matter of the earth a new soaring impalpable imperishable being?" (186) Joyce sure knows how to write those epiphany moments.

This evening I was thinking about how difficult it is to keep the big picture in mind. So much of our daily lives--going to the can, eating oatmeal, running to get to the bus stop on time to get to where we're going, fumbling a cellphone in order not to miss a phone call from a family member or friend, staying up too late because you're trying to read and understand and gain knowledge about the current events and workings of the world--if you had the *big picture* in mind all the time, it would be incredibly difficult to do these things. At least, for me. When I proposed this to Corey, he told me that when I ask him what he's thinking (as girlfriends tend to do to boyfriends, after long periods of silence in bed together), when he says "nothing," he really means "everything," or the universe (i.e. the workings of it). I told him that I found this hard to believe, "or maybe I'm just too wordly." I dunno. Maybe I am.

It's all about balance, I guess. I'm such an incredibly emotional roller-coaster person anyway... so much about my day-to-day life, hour-to-hour even, is about me trying (sometimes struggling) to master my emotional energies; to maintain (as my counselor at Reed once put it) a middle ground, as opposed to crazy highs and lows. Maybe that's what I need to focus on, the "worldly" concerns of my own emotional-mental life. The rest of it just seems so big... thinking about this feels like a balloon inside my skull that is getting blown up and starts pushing up against the side of my cranium, threatening to pop.

I really like something Jess said to me once, though. She said that in all her traveling and all her experience (ha! that word, again), she felt that her own personal "self" was the greatest and most important project to work on. We can't save the world or even sometimes solve the current problem we're grappling with, but as human beings, we are all always works in progress, you know? I like this idea because it takes away the fear of being too self-absorbed... instead, maybe micro over macro?



anyway. I'm mailing my ballot tomorrow, and then, as my sister oh so sagely put it, "the fate of the world is in other people's hands." The fate of my own emotional and mental state, however... !

"Welcome, O life! I go to encounter for the millionth time the reality of experience and to forge in the smithy of my soul the uncreated conscience of my race." (281)

"reality of experience!" Whatever *that* means....... another plane ticket bought to go here, to go there? Let me know if you find out, Stephen......

who watches the cheesy poofs

- Ate Cheetos for breakfast one morning and (unsurprisingly) felt deathly ill for hours afterwards.
- Suffered from a terrible cold (mainly congestion, still ongoing) and called off cleanse in order to hydrate self and take vitamins. Siiiiigh.
- Signed up for nanowrimo. Whatevs, chickens. I can’t wait to type trash for 1-2 hours per morning/late night.
- Had breakfast with my good friend Kati at Jam—it was so good seeing her again! We need to spend a *lot* more time together. She will always be my “jefa.” We even got to ride our bikes together around Hawthorne and stop at Buffalo Exchange in search for a Halloween costume.
- Briefly pondered dressing up as Sarah Palin. I’m probably just going to go as Ophelia again, third year and running.
- Bought underwear from the Nordstrom Rack. When all your underwear has holes in it and you realize you’ve owned the same pairs since ninth grade, it’s probably time to get some new unmentionables.
- Felt decidedly like a competent, capable teacher.
- Had a blast teaching ESL classes with weather and telling-time themes
- Had only two kids (my two favorites! Jonathon and Jon) show up for homework club on Thursday, so we spent an hour and a half just playing board games. Apparently I suck at Operation (I always make the man’s body buzz angrily and his nose glow red) and rock at Chinese Checkers (at least when competing fourth graders).
- Went to two yoga classes and decided I’m going to have to find a different studio. As nice as it is to have a studio close by in Sellwood, its schedule is just plain not compatible with mine. I need early morning classes, more than two times a week.
- Finished “Finding Orwell in Burma”; started “A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man,” which I think I read in high school… at least, I remember the whooshing noise it made as the majority of it went completely over my head (that was a clumsily phrased metaphor).
- Started reading "Watchmen" upon Brian's recommendation, which is strangely compelling and unsurprisingly addictive. After I post this entry (I'm in the PSU lab) I'll probably stroll down to Powell's and read some more.
- Felt pleased about the election for the first time in yonks.
- Had the future become a little clearer. I don’t want to jinx anything, but if all goes well, hopefully we’ll be staying in Portland for the long-term.
- Enjoyed reading my horoscope for the next week, which advised me to exercise more “discipline” (perhaps in reference to the aforementioned cheesy poofs)

Peace and goodness glowing

Sitting on the Lay-Z-Boy with my feet up, drinking an icy cold banana and strawberry juice--delicious, sweet and perfect. It's so sunny and beautiful outside right now that it's a shame I'm snuggled in here--the air has that kind of crisp coldness to it that reminds me of England.

Things really couldn't be better right now. I saw my mother and young bro off this morning, and while I enjoyed their visit, it's nice for it to be back to Corey and I again. This morning I went to my first yoga class, at this little nearby studio in Sellwood that only takes 15-20 minutes to bike to (depending how ferociously I pedal). I think yoga is going to be very good for me... I mean, my adviser told me to take it, for goodness sakes, so I obviously have to follow his advice, right? (I'll skip on the steak-eating part, though). Not just for stress, but also my body is pretty darn inflexible. I'm looking forward to see what changes take place over the next 4 weeks. I got a beginner's package of unlimited classes for 4 weeks, and even though I'm working in the afternoon/evenings I still have mornings free, so hopefully I'll get to go at least three times a week. I don't know if it's a placebo effect or if yoga is really THAT effective or what, but I feel incredibly calm and peaceful and centered right now. It might also be due to the fact that I'm doing a cleanse this week (the timing just felt right), hence the juice in my belly and the carrot juice jug in the fridge. I'm glad I'm taking care of my body. Biking has been fantastic but I need something else, you know?

The topic sentence of the previous paragraph bears repeating: things really couldn't be better right now. We made our biggest profit yet at the Milwaukie farmer's market today (every week we've doubled it), and next week is the last market, so it's bound to be crazy (especially if the weather is nice, *crosses fingers*). I get to spend time with my friends at bars, at Saturday night dinners at my house which have officially become a weekly tradition. I just read that Powell is backing Obama (surprise? Uhh... no). Last week's lessons went really well and I feel like an actual teacher. Other things are looking pleasingly promising, but I don't want to talk about them just yet because I don't want to jinx things. *knocks wood* Now I'm going to finish my juice, make some herbal tea, put on my warm fuzzy socks from Ecuador, and then indulge in any or all of my sweet, silly comfort foods: watching an episode of "House M.D.", watching high stakes or world series poker online (shutup it's addictive, especially once you start recognizing people and their personalities), or finishing "Finding George Orwell in Burma" (a most engaging and interesting book).

housewifery

Today since I didn't have work, I spent the entire day cleaning the house. My mother and younger brother are flying in tonight from Colombia for a surprise visit (family drama, which will receive the Bill Clinton treatment in this blog--don't ask, don't tell). They'll be staying for seven to ten days, I'm not really sure. I think it's a good idea, because it'll let my young bro feel like he's actually got a life in Portland, as opposed to just lingering in this stale cloudy limbo. Anyway, so it gave me a good excuse to bust out the vacuum cleaner. I definitely have a crush on that little vacuum cleaner by now. It reminded me of WALL-E, scurrying loyally after me with just a gentle tug of its handle.

Throughout the day as I was cleaning--doing dishes, loading laundry, vacuum-vacuum, scrubbing toilets (OH! how I scrubbed those toilets!)--I kept thinking of songs or stories that have to do with cleaning houses. Liz Phair's "Canary" is one: "I clean the house, I jump when you circle the cherry, I sing like a good canary, I clean my mouth, 'cause froth comes out." Then there's Kate Bush's classic, "Get Out of My House," in which the lyrics "I wash the panes, I clean the stairs," sounds like a strange metaphor for "I wash the pain." Also, the image of the windows of a house weeping water make me think of eyes filled with tears. She also has that other song on her new album, "Mrs. Bartolutzi-whatzit," in which laundry is made to sound very sexy, as a man's trousers gets wrapped around a woman's dress. Ooh, lah-lah. She also squeaks "washing machine!" repetetively. Oh, Kate. I also remembered this Momintroll story by Tove Jansson, the Finish writer, about a Fillyjonk who goes crazy OCD-style scrubbing her steps by the seaside. In the end a giant tidal wave smashes her house to bits and she ends up liberated dancing on the sand. I think the story was called "The Fillyjonk who was afraid of disasters." Man, I loved Tove Jansson, especially her adult novels--I think they were called "A Winter Tale" and "A Summer Tale." Something about the seasons. Anyway. Highly recommended.

So on the whole house-cleaning isn't given a very good rap, at least within the canon of my high-school self's favorite music and literature. I can kind of see why this would be the case. I definitely reached a fillyjonk level of kooky myself there for a while, namely when I was on my knees picking up fluff from the carpet corners that the vacuum cleaner had failed to suck. Or maybe when I jumped in the bathtub bare-footed in my underpants to furiously scrub away the Clorox, yelping in pain from time to time as burning hot water scalded my toes (I always do house-cleaning in my underpants, I dunno, it's just more comfortable that way). Man, I sure hope Clorox doesn't get absorbed through the skin, 'cause I was wiped that stuff off with my bare fingers, apart from giddily splashing around in it. I'm pretty sure I overused it, too. I couldn't help myself... those toilets were mad gross (we were coming back from four months in the jungle, after all... use your imagination... or better yet, don't).

Still, despite its bad reputation, and tendency to make us girls go a little cahrahzee if we get too much of it, I still feel very Zen and satisfied. Cleaning has always been a good way to get stuff done. Throughout senior year and even now, whenever I'm particularly stressed or have had a bad day, I furiously clean the kitchen and load/unload the dishwasher. It's just a little way to feel like you're still a capable human being. You have to not get carried away and get depressed that even after all those hours of cleaning, you didn't take all the empty beer cans in your room out to the recycling bin, or mop the kitchen floor because you weren't sure of the effect of clorox of wood. You just have to know when to stop, you know?

And make the boy you're living with clean the toilets next time.

random notes

- I chugged the cup of coffee I paid 75 cents to refill because I forgot about it and thus it got stale and cold as I plugged grimly through learning about adverbs for the TEFL course, and as an effect I feel especially jittery and frantic.

- I AM SO GLAD that I put my rain pants on this morning. Getting soaked yesterday while biking frantically around looking for a Fed-Ex place with a fax machine that was still open was a useful lesson. The sunny weather was nice while it lasted, now the English-style weather that my father claims makes Portland especially appealing to my mother has kicked in full-force. I wish my rain pants were 100% rain proof, though. And my shoes. Sad face.

- I biked to one school to sign a contract, only to be told that the contract was not ready yet. Then I was called at 4:30 by the main supervisor there, asking why I didn't show up to sign the contract, which is 100% ready. Guys you need to work on the inter-office communication skills because now I have to come in on Monday, AGAIN, to sign this thing. ALSO! PLEASE GET BACK TO ME ABOUT THE POSITION I APPLIED FOR ON THE DAY THAT YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULD. Don't suddenly e-mail me out of the blue two weeks later when I've already given you up as a lost cause.

- A mean man yelled an obscenity at me on my bike this morning. It upset me. I think people in Clackamas are less used to commuters, hence the more hostile attitudes. In Multnomah everyone always politely and kindly yields.

- I paid a poodle of money to get my brakes fixed yesterday. Despite Corey's insistence that he could have just done it himself, more than anything I was paying for the convenience of having it fixed NOW, RIGHT AWAY, as opposed to going through the fuss of figuring out what parts I needed, and then cornering Corey when he had free time to fix it (and trust me, he doesn't have much of it). I guess the cost of getting my bike fixed 3-4 times a year still beats out the cost of gas, car insurance, etc.

- Watched the debates last night at Laura's house. We played Palin Bingo. I got a lot of "umm," "Family," and "maverick." GO BIDEN! He is straight out of a Bruce Springsteen song.

- My mother keeps sending me e-mails for jobs like Nestle Customer Service Representative.

sweet

I now have two part-time jobs, both as an ESL teacher.

Things don't turn out the way you expect them to. The position I thought I wanted turned out to be one I ABSOLUTELY TOTALLY DO NOT WANT, while the interview that I came thisclose to not going to turned out to be for a position that I now really, really want (and hope I'll get... have to wait till tomorrow!).

The interview position that I thought I really wanted took place in a dark and dank smelling building. Every instinct in my stomach and gut twisted in rubber octopus knots and screeched "YOU DON'T BELONG HERE, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE HERE." The interview was conducted interrogation-style across a long narrow table, me sitting at one end, the three in charge-folks sitting at the other end. It was an interview I totally bombed. At one point, I was asked whether I was task-oriented or relationship-oriented. I replied that I didn't really believe in strict categories but I guessed that I was relationship-oriented (although I also liked to do tasks, I added). The person who asked me got really defensive... maybe they thought I was criticizing? Oh, dear. I feel kind of bad because my friend set it up for me, so I secretly hope I don't get it... it'll certainly make things easier.

The funny thing is even though I got lost about 8 times trying to get to my interview this morning (the first one so far in Clackamas), and I came thisclose to not showing up at all and just doing this completely rude bail-out, once I found the place it ended up being the best interview I've had so far (or at least, I think so... but then again I'm terrible at judging these things). Even though I would have to bike across several terrifying freeways to get there, and it'll take me a while to actually figure out how to get there (I still got lost trying to find my back back), I hope I get this one, because it's a) close and b) more importantly I think I'll like the people who work there. You never can tell, I guess. But anyway. Guess I'll know by Friday. There's a leetle bit of a time conflict with the ESL jobs, which start at 6, but the lady who interviewed me knew both the contacts at the school, so maybe if she really wants me she'll help me ask for the ESL classes to be pushed back to 6:15 or 6:30pm? Otherwise I'm going to have a hell of a time. Or at least a decision to make. Ugh.

The fun thing about funemployment (though I guess that starting Monday the "fun" will be gone, leaving "employment"--ha!) is getting to be a mad hardcore biker and exploring all these crazy new neighborhoods in Portland. I never thought I'd be riding around in places like SE 174th and Powell or SE 92nd and Harold, but there you go.

"Goodbye, Mr. Keating"

I hated that movie. But I like the list of motivations of why people choose to become literature majors. And his discussion of social justice and political ideology.